there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize