Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
