btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm like, not good at living.
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