and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
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I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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