Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
