I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i think my tv is drunk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
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so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
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i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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