The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
