He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
