My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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