im drinking this country out of the recession.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You were trust falling into bushes
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