1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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