i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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