At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
bring money and cleavage
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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