Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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