um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
