Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
