The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Farmville is her only friend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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