I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
