Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
