It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Watching her eat just hurts me
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
