Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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