you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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