I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
