Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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