I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
