guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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