Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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