I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
