just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
