Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You smell like stripper and shame
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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