I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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