my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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