we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
