I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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