Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
