remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
