I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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