You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
