my phone needs a breathalizer
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
