I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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