Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
