sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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