this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
