you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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