She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I checked into jail on foursquare
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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