I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
