Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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