tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
