would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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