I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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