I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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