Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
