You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
