I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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