I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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