i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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