I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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